"Wheeeeeee!!!" muttered Pet unenthusiastically.
"Listen, no one cares about your bathroom habits!" snapped Jack snidely.
Pet crashed a hamster into Jack's face. "Let me goooo!" yelled the hamster whilst colouring in a moustache that lived on Jack's philtrum.
"You'd have thought its paws were too small to handle the pastels, but no," said Pet to Jack, who produced a knife to cut himself free from this world. He slashed madly at the air until a sliver opened with a cake-baking noise.
"Byeee!" he smugly preambled and ventured into the crevice.
"You're gonna get suuued," said the hamster, as though it were fat.
With Jack gone, there was nothing much to do for them other than continuing to plummet towards the magnificent suspension.
After paying too much at the halfway toll-booth they eventually landed breezily on The Great Hammock in the Sky.
"Welcome," boomed the hammock.
"Hallo," said the hamster and started grating some cheese on the hammock.
"You'd have thought its paws were -"
"Stop that!" resonated The Great Hammock in the Sky. "Look at what you are doing!"
The hamster ceased its grating and witnessed a most gruesome scene of which its little hamster hands could only dream. "I've made miscalculations of the gravest design."
Pet was not paying attention after he spent his last penny at the toll booth. "This is no time for tombstone talk."
The Great Hammock in the Sky silenced the silence that followed after Pet's sentence with a deep buzzing sound. It raised a space and pointed morosely at the awful mess.
The hamster tried not to look, but he had read the book.
Pet's eyes widened irresponsibly and saw the pieces of poor, mutilated severed lego lying sadly next to the flaming cheese grater of hell.
~
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Chapter Eleven: The Great Hammock in the Sky
"Oops," mumbled Busy Busbar.
Pet shimmied up to the front of where he suspected Busy Busbar's ears would be. "Murderer..." he whispered.
"Yes?" asked Jack politely from the back of the bus. He was wearing a conspicuous yellow raincoat in which he hid his knives.
Pet surveyed the stock exchange and sold a large portion of jelly beans before presenting Jack with the most difficult question he has faced in his entire life: "Fancy some strawberries?"
Jack was taken aback, surprised, dumbfounded and in need of a new pair of glasses.
Pet noticed this and waved his question away into a painting with a humorously oversized plastic hand. "Put me down!" it shrieked and slapped Pet in the face.
The hand dropped to the floor whilst Pet blinked and accidentally winked at Jack.
"Aha, you'd like to buy some of my knives?" Jack said knowingly and skipped happily to Pet's immediate vicinity.
"Who are you?" demanded Pet, unknowingly.
"Jack The Rip— er, just call me Jack."
But it was too late. Busy Busbar's intercom system announced that the red alert system was broken, and that they'd have to all start yelling manically to compensate.
"Aaaargh!" yelled the oversized plastic hand and tried to point at Jack, but Pet was standing on his finely polished nails.
"I told you I don't have any pennies!" screamed Pet at the crazed hand, and waved at it repeatedly with both of his own hands.
"Oh, okay."
Suddenly, but not too suddenly, Jack pressed a stop button that had 'Wheeee!' written all over it. The floor of Busy Busbar vanished and soon Pet and Jack were falling towards The Great Hammock in the Sky.
Pet shimmied up to the front of where he suspected Busy Busbar's ears would be. "Murderer..." he whispered.
"Yes?" asked Jack politely from the back of the bus. He was wearing a conspicuous yellow raincoat in which he hid his knives.
Pet surveyed the stock exchange and sold a large portion of jelly beans before presenting Jack with the most difficult question he has faced in his entire life: "Fancy some strawberries?"
Jack was taken aback, surprised, dumbfounded and in need of a new pair of glasses.
Pet noticed this and waved his question away into a painting with a humorously oversized plastic hand. "Put me down!" it shrieked and slapped Pet in the face.
The hand dropped to the floor whilst Pet blinked and accidentally winked at Jack.
"Aha, you'd like to buy some of my knives?" Jack said knowingly and skipped happily to Pet's immediate vicinity.
"Who are you?" demanded Pet, unknowingly.
"Jack The Rip— er, just call me Jack."
But it was too late. Busy Busbar's intercom system announced that the red alert system was broken, and that they'd have to all start yelling manically to compensate.
"Aaaargh!" yelled the oversized plastic hand and tried to point at Jack, but Pet was standing on his finely polished nails.
"I told you I don't have any pennies!" screamed Pet at the crazed hand, and waved at it repeatedly with both of his own hands.
"Oh, okay."
Suddenly, but not too suddenly, Jack pressed a stop button that had 'Wheeee!' written all over it. The floor of Busy Busbar vanished and soon Pet and Jack were falling towards The Great Hammock in the Sky.
~
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Chapter Ten: The Demise of an Unsuspecting Owl
Pet opened his eyes. Inside Busy Busbar there was no driver. The windows were just huge paintings of pictures of photos of landscapes.
"Hello, there," said a friendly rainbow.
Pet suffered a severe lack of parental guidance and exclaimed, "You're not a rainbow!"
The entity smiled wryly and tried to sell Pet some bubblegum.
"I'm allergic to cakes," Pet reproachfully declined.
"Very well," said the thing just as a tortoise swept past in the wind.
Pet's eyes grew to a size eleven and his mouth yelled, "I know who you are! You're the Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy, you are!"
The Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy nodded and peeled itself out of the canvas. There was something about him that made Pet long for sandwiches.
"I know what you're thinking," murmured the LSPF whilst scratching his ears, which happened to be slices of toast.
"That your mother was a mayonnaise bottle?" asked Pet with mild disinterest.
The Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy whistled.
"I think you're lying," said Pet.
"But I haven't said anything."
"Nevertheless."
The LSPF started floating towards a painted, pictured, photographed landscape. "I am a wafer-thin violin!" it pretended and blended out of sight.
Understanding that this may not be his typical holiday resort, Pet sat down.
There was a sound like engines being battered, with which Busy Busbar took off into the night and accidentally hit an unsuspecting owl.
"Hello, there," said a friendly rainbow.
Pet suffered a severe lack of parental guidance and exclaimed, "You're not a rainbow!"
The entity smiled wryly and tried to sell Pet some bubblegum.
"I'm allergic to cakes," Pet reproachfully declined.
"Very well," said the thing just as a tortoise swept past in the wind.
Pet's eyes grew to a size eleven and his mouth yelled, "I know who you are! You're the Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy, you are!"
The Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy nodded and peeled itself out of the canvas. There was something about him that made Pet long for sandwiches.
"I know what you're thinking," murmured the LSPF whilst scratching his ears, which happened to be slices of toast.
"That your mother was a mayonnaise bottle?" asked Pet with mild disinterest.
The Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy whistled.
"I think you're lying," said Pet.
"But I haven't said anything."
"Nevertheless."
The LSPF started floating towards a painted, pictured, photographed landscape. "I am a wafer-thin violin!" it pretended and blended out of sight.
Understanding that this may not be his typical holiday resort, Pet sat down.
There was a sound like engines being battered, with which Busy Busbar took off into the night and accidentally hit an unsuspecting owl.
~
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Chapter Nine: Busy Busbar
"I'll swap your hat for a baker's toothbrush!" condemned the Washing Machine of Justice with a tip of its hat.
"Yeah!" supported the Small Appliance of Equal Importance.
Pet considered his fancy generic upbringing before facing the Small Appliance of Equal Importance. "Why is there not a single deck of cards in your possession?"
The S.A.E.I. stood on its non-existing feet and started turning around repeatedly.
Grimacing, Pet clattered, "You are utterly tedious."
The revolving bore stopped and had the decency to pretend to look embarrassed. "Why, I never," it said in a slightly French accent.
The Washing Machine of Justice spat out the lawsuit, who grabbed the former's hat with malicious intent. It landed on a frequently said phrase. "You gotta be kidding me."
"I'm free!" yelled the lawsuit and sled off on the hat into the persistent distance.
"You will not get closer to me!" rallied the distance and rolled up its socks.
"This is all your fault," Pet pointed verbally at the Washing Machine of Justice. As soon as their eyes met, the contraption floated apart and smashed into itself.
"I'm glad that's over," complained the wall that was still standing very still.
Pet started arguing with himself over tea spoons and table tops.
"Hey, we're trying to have a conversation here!" they blasted and walked away.
"Perhaps I can interest you in twelve different kinds of malaria?" offered the wall to Pet.
"Don't mind if I do, Jesus!" thanked Pet.
"It's a silent 'j'!" indicated 'esus wildly with flapping arms.
Pet rolled his ovaries, of which he had none, and mumbled a little bit about touchy subjects. Just as he started to slip on a banana, a bus politely veered to his side.
"Hallo," said Busy Busbar. "Care for an elevation?"
Nodding with his knees, Pet obliged and ventured aboard.
"Yeah!" supported the Small Appliance of Equal Importance.
Pet considered his fancy generic upbringing before facing the Small Appliance of Equal Importance. "Why is there not a single deck of cards in your possession?"
The S.A.E.I. stood on its non-existing feet and started turning around repeatedly.
Grimacing, Pet clattered, "You are utterly tedious."
The revolving bore stopped and had the decency to pretend to look embarrassed. "Why, I never," it said in a slightly French accent.
The Washing Machine of Justice spat out the lawsuit, who grabbed the former's hat with malicious intent. It landed on a frequently said phrase. "You gotta be kidding me."
"I'm free!" yelled the lawsuit and sled off on the hat into the persistent distance.
"You will not get closer to me!" rallied the distance and rolled up its socks.
"This is all your fault," Pet pointed verbally at the Washing Machine of Justice. As soon as their eyes met, the contraption floated apart and smashed into itself.
"I'm glad that's over," complained the wall that was still standing very still.
Pet started arguing with himself over tea spoons and table tops.
"Hey, we're trying to have a conversation here!" they blasted and walked away.
"Perhaps I can interest you in twelve different kinds of malaria?" offered the wall to Pet.
"Don't mind if I do, Jesus!" thanked Pet.
"It's a silent 'j'!" indicated 'esus wildly with flapping arms.
Pet rolled his ovaries, of which he had none, and mumbled a little bit about touchy subjects. Just as he started to slip on a banana, a bus politely veered to his side.
"Hallo," said Busy Busbar. "Care for an elevation?"
Nodding with his knees, Pet obliged and ventured aboard.
~
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