"I'm a mansion!" revealed the mansion dramatically.
"Hi, mansion," said everyone present in unison. Then they attempted to clap, but failed miserably on account of all their hands being on mute.
"I've been a mansion for, oh, I don't know... eight or seven chapters," continued the mansion. "I've tried to quit, but i just don't have enough of the right sort of water-proof pens."
"We may be of serviceable magnitude," said the wall that was leaning on itself.
"I have loads of pens," said the lawsuit and spontaneously sued somebody.
"I really wish you would stop doing that," said Pet and appeared before a grand jury.
The voice listened and realised that it was not speaking. "I've been allergic to pens ever since I could mumble," it said, satisfied.
"You're nothing but a vocal administration!" yelled the wall snidely.
"How will you be able to help me?" said the mansion unhelpfully.
The lawsuit used Pet's hands to shuffle some papers and a loud crash was heard from somewhere within the mansion... inside.
"Ugh, my liver," complained the mansion. "I mean, ugh, my observatory."
"Well, hide three pigs behind me and try to blow me down, what was that?" exclaimed the wall and nearly fell over.
Suddenly a battalion of water-proof pens watched TV in the sitting room. They were wearing colour coded caps.
Pet gave the lawsuit a pointed look.
"What am I supposed to do with it?" asked the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, the mansion was happily being joyous and took all the pens. "I'm freeee!" Then it changed into a flagon of whisky.
"Another day, another victory," proclaimed the lawsuit boastfully. "I am the master of overcoming adversity. Cookies are no match for my crumbling powers."
"Oh, shut up," said Pet and threw the lawsuit into the Washing Machine of Justice.
~
The mansion was deprived of life. Usually at this time of day it would be out scouring the city for toast, but on this today it did so not.
Pet was glad to be back home even though he was wearing a lawsuit.
"I look good," said the lawsuit.
Wondering why all of the furniture had sullen expressions, Pet commandeered the kettle.
"Where are your legs?" asked the kettle and offered Pet a moment's hesitation.
"Thanks," said Pet and ate it. "My legs are none of your business, kettle."
"All right," the kettle accepted and teed off.
"Good shot," said a voice.
"I try to take them as quickly as possible," commented Pet. He was prodding a wall.
"Yes?" said the wall and blinked.
"What happened to the mansion?" Pet started to walk around in circular circles.
"The mansion found it-uh and is now in another world," said the wall proudly.
"What, religion?" baffled Pet and abruptly stepped on a sentence.
The wall pulled off an ominous look and whispered, "A needle in a haystack."
"Yes?" said a needle in a haystack.
"That's odd," annunciated Pet and announced, "I've never noticed that there haystack."
"Been there since the mansion left," explained the wall diagonally. "It knows a lot about entropy."
"Who doesn't, eh?" said the lawsuit over a period of time. To compensate, it did an impression of Isaac Asimov.
"Good impression," said the voice. "I'm a compliment."
"Go away," badgered Pet.
Then the mansion burst through the wall in multi-colours.
"Ouch," the wall wallowed.
~
Pet awoke in a washing basin. Flabbergasted and admiring the tile work, he noticed that one of the taps was glaring at him.
"I can do this all day," bragged the tap.
Pet believed in monarchy, but this was going too far.
"You lookin' for trouble?" asked the other tap coincidentally.
Trouble climbed through the window. "I am here, finally!" he shouted and held up a photo frame triumphantly.
Discovering a channel, Pet climbed out of the washing basin.
"If you're not careful, you may slip on that there change," said the first tap politely.
"What change?" asked Pet desperately, and opened the medicine cupboard.
The change stared him in the face until it said, "Hello, I'm a revolution." It started to spin slightly on its metaphorical heels.
Looking, Trouble said, "Nice metaphorical heels."
"I'll thank you not to use such colloquialisms." shot the revolution.
In the meantime Pet constructed a small country.
"But can it talk?" spat the second tap, who was wearing an expensive bowler hat.
"No, but it can play the trombone better than any cartwheel ever made," said Pet knowingly and soaked in jam.
"Hey, that was my jam!" shrieked Trouble and pointed to his now-empty photo frame.
Pet pretended to hear him and said, "The apple falls approximately 1,168 meters from the tree."
"Well, that won't do," said the change and revoluned.
~
Prancel knocked on a cake and opened a lunch-box. Trying not to lose his footing, he exaggerated an alibi.
"You were up all night proving that you can align staplers in what is widely considered the most impossible task in the whole series one of Pokémon?" called the menace into a phonetic spelling bee.
At once, after a few moments, Prancel converted his dollars into gym training equipment.
"Plagiarism!" quacked Jim 'Training-eq' Uipment.
"Oh, cover yourself in these here bees and utterly lie about your heritage!" warned the menace.
A tractor fell out of the tree that was being a tree pretending to be a picnic basket.
"How rude." said Pet indefinitely.
"I am not a ransom note!" screeched a car as the tree threw a pie at it.
"I never liked that show," noted Prancel, who felt that he was losing grip on the colour mauve.
Ordinarily, Pet tied Prancel's sleeves together to each other.
"What did you do that for?" commanded Prancel.
"Right," spoke Pet itallically to the menace, "you distract him, while I push him into that passing black hole."
Shortly, and rather quickly, Prancel disappeared.
"I'm actually green, you know. And more sort of shaped like a gap and not like a hole at all," complained the black hole.
"I'm offended." said the menace and hit a small child in the face with a duck.
~
Pet felt his head spin. He crouched to pick it up and reattatch it to his headless body. "Now."
"Now?" asked the menace.
"Yes," conceded Squibbles. He was wearing a circular tie.
"I don't like you," admitted Pet and stomped on a nearby vending machine. Several striped cans stampeded over Squibbles.
"I'll be a bacon and ham sandwich, what did you just do?" gasped the menace. Squibbles already disintegrated.
"I- I-..." stuttered Pet, until he realised that he was wearing a dress. "What?"
"I hope you're happy." The menace was indignant. "You've triggered that there paradox."
"Can it weave?" asked Pet suspiciously.
"Sure can. That's what caused your improper attire."
"That is of no importance to me," concluded Pet audibly. "I am the bearer of cheap cleaning detergents."
"Bravo!" bravoed a man on a unicycle. "I have been looking for you, Pet."
"How did you know I like eggs?" said Pet, whilst pointing to a paper plane on the floor. It turned and vroomed gleefully.
"Because I collect margins," said the man deliberately.
"I'm a menace!" menaced the menace menacingly. He was also bordering on a state, but mostly he was a bit jealous. "We do not need cycling lunatics to find it-uh!"
The unicycle man cringed, but recovered remarkably well for someone so short-sighted. "It-uh, huh?"
Pet scratched an itch. It said, "Thank you. A little to the ear, if you don't mind." Minding, Pet reassured himself that his collar was not melting.
"There are some things best left to prance," stated the man and fetched prancing Prancel.
~
Trying to conquer his doubt about the existence of triangular squares, Pet shrieked, "I must find it-uh!"
A man in a tweed jacket playing a tambourine walked past.
"Where can I find it-uh?" generalised Pet.
"Over there-uh," an underlying brick appreciated. Not many people knew French in these parts.
Something has been bothering Pet for quite some time now. He danced and then tied his shoelaces together. "That's better."
"Speak for your mouth, you rascal!" accused Lacey McLace. He was a humorous shade of green.
"Shibididah."
Pet spun around. "What's that smell-uh?"
"Down here-uh," squeaked Squibbles. "I'm a fish crossed with a mouse crossed with a snail coloured in by a cigarette and multiplied by a tissue."
Pet was not convinced. "My creators gave me a spatula, with which I am not afraid to cook."
"I know where you can find," Squibbles paused to juggle a menace that has been following him, "it-uh."
"Yeh." said the menace.
Pet brushed his napkin. "By jove with a yellow 'j'! That is wonderful." The napkin sprang and landed on the underlying brick.
"Cheers," said the brick and transformed into a glass. "It's Tuesday," it apologised. "Night is what happens when you are busy bleating all by yourself."
Pet had heard that expression before and attempted to scowl.
"Yo," said the menace. "There's no time for mediterraneaning! You have to find it-uh, or else this here pecan whittles."
Pet looked confused, but that was a clever cover for he knew a bird made of salami would never do such a thing. "You're right."
"'course he is," the cross-breeds Squibbles said. "It-uh is a long, long rock from here. We will accompany you." Then they vanished.
~
Pet stumbled onto the parapet. It was frowning. He yelled, "I know what you did to Sally!" and flopped over.
"Do you mind?" said the street.
"How did I get here?" groaned Pet. Bewildered, he fumbled until he picked up his pocket from the ground.
"You're late." it said.
"I have no three dimensional dinosaur!" hazarded Pet. He was filled with hesitation; cheese was slowly and gradually gushing out of his ears; his nose was shooting at pedestrians.
A maniacal chuckle erupted from Pet's nose. "I will now spontaneously combust, causing agony, fear, sorrow, and athlete's foot to spread amongst and over the people next to that there fire hydren!"
Pet panicked because there was a donut on his foot. Instinctively he prodded his nose. It fell off and splashed into a puddle.
Many things happened at once, but Pet ignored them. "How many hatchets does it take to slam a door?"
The street confidently answered, "Six."
"That's what my pastry-eating instructor also said," exhausted Pet and flourished. Asking for seconds, he flailed into the puddle.
"I'm cold." stated the puddle.
"Prove it." dared Pet.
The puddle fizzed with a fizz and momentous moments later iced tea bobbed to the surface. The puddle cooked a ripple.
"I'm impressed." said Pet, impressed. "I am here to enquire after my nose. I am also wearing shocking grey gloves."
"Hmm," the puddle said. "I can't ascertain."
Pet smiled.
The puddle started bubbling and let out a faint scream, "Sanctions!"
All of a sudden Pet's nose walloped the street and the puddle evaporated.
"I like chandeliers," Pet said defiantly.
"I saw china with a small 'c'. It was made of chocolate onions." grumbled The Nose.
~
Once upon a time, in a land very far away, Pet smashed a mug against the wall. Only six more to go.
Before his creators left, they told him to guard the mansion from anything suspicious. Right now, swooshing African mugs were on the top of that list.
Pet didn't know how to write, so instead he had drawn pictures that vaguely resembled flying blankets.
"Ouch," said Larry. "That was my colonic colon."
"Prove it." said Pet.
Larry held out his credit card. It was covered in pink marmalade.
"I see." Pet agreed, looking bashful.
Rolling down a chair, Larry gobbled, "All for one and one for all!" and disappeared into the concrete masses of shrapnel.
Pet scratched his head and waited for someone else to have an idea.
"I know!" said #3 Polophonic Cloth. "We can jump."
Pet was not impressed. In fact, he was bemused. "I'm bemused."
"Seventeen acres of leveraging silicone nightshirts and you decide to say that." #3 Polophonic Cloth decided to say. Then he caught a side order of French Fries.
"Nevermind that, these mugs are renting my shoes!" exclaimed Pet.
"Just like Meaty did, 'cept he had no one to tell him it was a watch." And with that #3 Polophonic Cloth rotated into an abstract corner.
"Blimey," blamed Pet.
A mug crashed through the plastic window. It landed next to a bag of green homophones.
"Excuse me," said Pet. "I'm not sure at all."
The mug tilted left-ways. "Shwoosh."
"Of course." Pet agreed again and stepped on it. It said, "Sea!"
Automatically a homophone screamed, "Look! Watch! Observe! Tantalize!"
"I'm African," boasted the Greatest-Boss-in-the-World mug. He swung his handle at Pet, who grabbed a large anomaly.
"Hey," said the large anomaly. "I'm invisible!"
"I'm going out for a while," apologised Pet and walked out of the door. The threshold said, "Nuggets" before dissolving into a miniature trolley.
~
