"Wheeeeeee!!!" muttered Pet unenthusiastically.
"Listen, no one cares about your bathroom habits!" snapped Jack snidely.
Pet crashed a hamster into Jack's face. "Let me goooo!" yelled the hamster whilst colouring in a moustache that lived on Jack's philtrum.
"You'd have thought its paws were too small to handle the pastels, but no," said Pet to Jack, who produced a knife to cut himself free from this world. He slashed madly at the air until a sliver opened with a cake-baking noise.
"Byeee!" he smugly preambled and ventured into the crevice.
"You're gonna get suuued," said the hamster, as though it were fat.
With Jack gone, there was nothing much to do for them other than continuing to plummet towards the magnificent suspension.
After paying too much at the halfway toll-booth they eventually landed breezily on The Great Hammock in the Sky.
"Welcome," boomed the hammock.
"Hallo," said the hamster and started grating some cheese on the hammock.
"You'd have thought its paws were -"
"Stop that!" resonated The Great Hammock in the Sky. "Look at what you are doing!"
The hamster ceased its grating and witnessed a most gruesome scene of which its little hamster hands could only dream. "I've made miscalculations of the gravest design."
Pet was not paying attention after he spent his last penny at the toll booth. "This is no time for tombstone talk."
The Great Hammock in the Sky silenced the silence that followed after Pet's sentence with a deep buzzing sound. It raised a space and pointed morosely at the awful mess.
The hamster tried not to look, but he had read the book.
Pet's eyes widened irresponsibly and saw the pieces of poor, mutilated severed lego lying sadly next to the flaming cheese grater of hell.
~
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Chapter Eleven: The Great Hammock in the Sky
"Oops," mumbled Busy Busbar.
Pet shimmied up to the front of where he suspected Busy Busbar's ears would be. "Murderer..." he whispered.
"Yes?" asked Jack politely from the back of the bus. He was wearing a conspicuous yellow raincoat in which he hid his knives.
Pet surveyed the stock exchange and sold a large portion of jelly beans before presenting Jack with the most difficult question he has faced in his entire life: "Fancy some strawberries?"
Jack was taken aback, surprised, dumbfounded and in need of a new pair of glasses.
Pet noticed this and waved his question away into a painting with a humorously oversized plastic hand. "Put me down!" it shrieked and slapped Pet in the face.
The hand dropped to the floor whilst Pet blinked and accidentally winked at Jack.
"Aha, you'd like to buy some of my knives?" Jack said knowingly and skipped happily to Pet's immediate vicinity.
"Who are you?" demanded Pet, unknowingly.
"Jack The Rip— er, just call me Jack."
But it was too late. Busy Busbar's intercom system announced that the red alert system was broken, and that they'd have to all start yelling manically to compensate.
"Aaaargh!" yelled the oversized plastic hand and tried to point at Jack, but Pet was standing on his finely polished nails.
"I told you I don't have any pennies!" screamed Pet at the crazed hand, and waved at it repeatedly with both of his own hands.
"Oh, okay."
Suddenly, but not too suddenly, Jack pressed a stop button that had 'Wheeee!' written all over it. The floor of Busy Busbar vanished and soon Pet and Jack were falling towards The Great Hammock in the Sky.
Pet shimmied up to the front of where he suspected Busy Busbar's ears would be. "Murderer..." he whispered.
"Yes?" asked Jack politely from the back of the bus. He was wearing a conspicuous yellow raincoat in which he hid his knives.
Pet surveyed the stock exchange and sold a large portion of jelly beans before presenting Jack with the most difficult question he has faced in his entire life: "Fancy some strawberries?"
Jack was taken aback, surprised, dumbfounded and in need of a new pair of glasses.
Pet noticed this and waved his question away into a painting with a humorously oversized plastic hand. "Put me down!" it shrieked and slapped Pet in the face.
The hand dropped to the floor whilst Pet blinked and accidentally winked at Jack.
"Aha, you'd like to buy some of my knives?" Jack said knowingly and skipped happily to Pet's immediate vicinity.
"Who are you?" demanded Pet, unknowingly.
"Jack The Rip— er, just call me Jack."
But it was too late. Busy Busbar's intercom system announced that the red alert system was broken, and that they'd have to all start yelling manically to compensate.
"Aaaargh!" yelled the oversized plastic hand and tried to point at Jack, but Pet was standing on his finely polished nails.
"I told you I don't have any pennies!" screamed Pet at the crazed hand, and waved at it repeatedly with both of his own hands.
"Oh, okay."
Suddenly, but not too suddenly, Jack pressed a stop button that had 'Wheeee!' written all over it. The floor of Busy Busbar vanished and soon Pet and Jack were falling towards The Great Hammock in the Sky.
~
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Chapter Ten: The Demise of an Unsuspecting Owl
Pet opened his eyes. Inside Busy Busbar there was no driver. The windows were just huge paintings of pictures of photos of landscapes.
"Hello, there," said a friendly rainbow.
Pet suffered a severe lack of parental guidance and exclaimed, "You're not a rainbow!"
The entity smiled wryly and tried to sell Pet some bubblegum.
"I'm allergic to cakes," Pet reproachfully declined.
"Very well," said the thing just as a tortoise swept past in the wind.
Pet's eyes grew to a size eleven and his mouth yelled, "I know who you are! You're the Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy, you are!"
The Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy nodded and peeled itself out of the canvas. There was something about him that made Pet long for sandwiches.
"I know what you're thinking," murmured the LSPF whilst scratching his ears, which happened to be slices of toast.
"That your mother was a mayonnaise bottle?" asked Pet with mild disinterest.
The Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy whistled.
"I think you're lying," said Pet.
"But I haven't said anything."
"Nevertheless."
The LSPF started floating towards a painted, pictured, photographed landscape. "I am a wafer-thin violin!" it pretended and blended out of sight.
Understanding that this may not be his typical holiday resort, Pet sat down.
There was a sound like engines being battered, with which Busy Busbar took off into the night and accidentally hit an unsuspecting owl.
"Hello, there," said a friendly rainbow.
Pet suffered a severe lack of parental guidance and exclaimed, "You're not a rainbow!"
The entity smiled wryly and tried to sell Pet some bubblegum.
"I'm allergic to cakes," Pet reproachfully declined.
"Very well," said the thing just as a tortoise swept past in the wind.
Pet's eyes grew to a size eleven and his mouth yelled, "I know who you are! You're the Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy, you are!"
The Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy nodded and peeled itself out of the canvas. There was something about him that made Pet long for sandwiches.
"I know what you're thinking," murmured the LSPF whilst scratching his ears, which happened to be slices of toast.
"That your mother was a mayonnaise bottle?" asked Pet with mild disinterest.
The Lairy Sugar Plum Fairy whistled.
"I think you're lying," said Pet.
"But I haven't said anything."
"Nevertheless."
The LSPF started floating towards a painted, pictured, photographed landscape. "I am a wafer-thin violin!" it pretended and blended out of sight.
Understanding that this may not be his typical holiday resort, Pet sat down.
There was a sound like engines being battered, with which Busy Busbar took off into the night and accidentally hit an unsuspecting owl.
~
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Chapter Nine: Busy Busbar
"I'll swap your hat for a baker's toothbrush!" condemned the Washing Machine of Justice with a tip of its hat.
"Yeah!" supported the Small Appliance of Equal Importance.
Pet considered his fancy generic upbringing before facing the Small Appliance of Equal Importance. "Why is there not a single deck of cards in your possession?"
The S.A.E.I. stood on its non-existing feet and started turning around repeatedly.
Grimacing, Pet clattered, "You are utterly tedious."
The revolving bore stopped and had the decency to pretend to look embarrassed. "Why, I never," it said in a slightly French accent.
The Washing Machine of Justice spat out the lawsuit, who grabbed the former's hat with malicious intent. It landed on a frequently said phrase. "You gotta be kidding me."
"I'm free!" yelled the lawsuit and sled off on the hat into the persistent distance.
"You will not get closer to me!" rallied the distance and rolled up its socks.
"This is all your fault," Pet pointed verbally at the Washing Machine of Justice. As soon as their eyes met, the contraption floated apart and smashed into itself.
"I'm glad that's over," complained the wall that was still standing very still.
Pet started arguing with himself over tea spoons and table tops.
"Hey, we're trying to have a conversation here!" they blasted and walked away.
"Perhaps I can interest you in twelve different kinds of malaria?" offered the wall to Pet.
"Don't mind if I do, Jesus!" thanked Pet.
"It's a silent 'j'!" indicated 'esus wildly with flapping arms.
Pet rolled his ovaries, of which he had none, and mumbled a little bit about touchy subjects. Just as he started to slip on a banana, a bus politely veered to his side.
"Hallo," said Busy Busbar. "Care for an elevation?"
Nodding with his knees, Pet obliged and ventured aboard.
"Yeah!" supported the Small Appliance of Equal Importance.
Pet considered his fancy generic upbringing before facing the Small Appliance of Equal Importance. "Why is there not a single deck of cards in your possession?"
The S.A.E.I. stood on its non-existing feet and started turning around repeatedly.
Grimacing, Pet clattered, "You are utterly tedious."
The revolving bore stopped and had the decency to pretend to look embarrassed. "Why, I never," it said in a slightly French accent.
The Washing Machine of Justice spat out the lawsuit, who grabbed the former's hat with malicious intent. It landed on a frequently said phrase. "You gotta be kidding me."
"I'm free!" yelled the lawsuit and sled off on the hat into the persistent distance.
"You will not get closer to me!" rallied the distance and rolled up its socks.
"This is all your fault," Pet pointed verbally at the Washing Machine of Justice. As soon as their eyes met, the contraption floated apart and smashed into itself.
"I'm glad that's over," complained the wall that was still standing very still.
Pet started arguing with himself over tea spoons and table tops.
"Hey, we're trying to have a conversation here!" they blasted and walked away.
"Perhaps I can interest you in twelve different kinds of malaria?" offered the wall to Pet.
"Don't mind if I do, Jesus!" thanked Pet.
"It's a silent 'j'!" indicated 'esus wildly with flapping arms.
Pet rolled his ovaries, of which he had none, and mumbled a little bit about touchy subjects. Just as he started to slip on a banana, a bus politely veered to his side.
"Hallo," said Busy Busbar. "Care for an elevation?"
Nodding with his knees, Pet obliged and ventured aboard.
~
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Chapter Eight: The Washing Machine of Justice
"I'm a mansion!" revealed the mansion dramatically.
"Hi, mansion," said everyone present in unison. Then they attempted to clap, but failed miserably on account of all their hands being on mute.
"I've been a mansion for, oh, I don't know... eight or seven chapters," continued the mansion. "I've tried to quit, but i just don't have enough of the right sort of water-proof pens."
"We may be of serviceable magnitude," said the wall that was leaning on itself.
"I have loads of pens," said the lawsuit and spontaneously sued somebody.
"I really wish you would stop doing that," said Pet and appeared before a grand jury.
The voice listened and realised that it was not speaking. "I've been allergic to pens ever since I could mumble," it said, satisfied.
"You're nothing but a vocal administration!" yelled the wall snidely.
"How will you be able to help me?" said the mansion unhelpfully.
The lawsuit used Pet's hands to shuffle some papers and a loud crash was heard from somewhere within the mansion... inside.
"Ugh, my liver," complained the mansion. "I mean, ugh, my observatory."
"Well, hide three pigs behind me and try to blow me down, what was that?" exclaimed the wall and nearly fell over.
Suddenly a battalion of water-proof pens watched TV in the sitting room. They were wearing colour coded caps.
Pet gave the lawsuit a pointed look.
"What am I supposed to do with it?" asked the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, the mansion was happily being joyous and took all the pens. "I'm freeee!" Then it changed into a flagon of whisky.
"Another day, another victory," proclaimed the lawsuit boastfully. "I am the master of overcoming adversity. Cookies are no match for my crumbling powers."
"Oh, shut up," said Pet and threw the lawsuit into the Washing Machine of Justice.
"Hi, mansion," said everyone present in unison. Then they attempted to clap, but failed miserably on account of all their hands being on mute.
"I've been a mansion for, oh, I don't know... eight or seven chapters," continued the mansion. "I've tried to quit, but i just don't have enough of the right sort of water-proof pens."
"We may be of serviceable magnitude," said the wall that was leaning on itself.
"I have loads of pens," said the lawsuit and spontaneously sued somebody.
"I really wish you would stop doing that," said Pet and appeared before a grand jury.
The voice listened and realised that it was not speaking. "I've been allergic to pens ever since I could mumble," it said, satisfied.
"You're nothing but a vocal administration!" yelled the wall snidely.
"How will you be able to help me?" said the mansion unhelpfully.
The lawsuit used Pet's hands to shuffle some papers and a loud crash was heard from somewhere within the mansion... inside.
"Ugh, my liver," complained the mansion. "I mean, ugh, my observatory."
"Well, hide three pigs behind me and try to blow me down, what was that?" exclaimed the wall and nearly fell over.
Suddenly a battalion of water-proof pens watched TV in the sitting room. They were wearing colour coded caps.
Pet gave the lawsuit a pointed look.
"What am I supposed to do with it?" asked the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, the mansion was happily being joyous and took all the pens. "I'm freeee!" Then it changed into a flagon of whisky.
"Another day, another victory," proclaimed the lawsuit boastfully. "I am the master of overcoming adversity. Cookies are no match for my crumbling powers."
"Oh, shut up," said Pet and threw the lawsuit into the Washing Machine of Justice.
~
Chapter Seven: The Mansion
The mansion was deprived of life. Usually at this time of day it would be out scouring the city for toast, but on this today it did so not.
Pet was glad to be back home even though he was wearing a lawsuit.
"I look good," said the lawsuit.
Wondering why all of the furniture had sullen expressions, Pet commandeered the kettle.
"Where are your legs?" asked the kettle and offered Pet a moment's hesitation.
"Thanks," said Pet and ate it. "My legs are none of your business, kettle."
"All right," the kettle accepted and teed off.
"Good shot," said a voice.
"I try to take them as quickly as possible," commented Pet. He was prodding a wall.
"Yes?" said the wall and blinked.
"What happened to the mansion?" Pet started to walk around in circular circles.
"The mansion found it-uh and is now in another world," said the wall proudly.
"What, religion?" baffled Pet and abruptly stepped on a sentence.
The wall pulled off an ominous look and whispered, "A needle in a haystack."
"Yes?" said a needle in a haystack.
"That's odd," annunciated Pet and announced, "I've never noticed that there haystack."
"Been there since the mansion left," explained the wall diagonally. "It knows a lot about entropy."
"Who doesn't, eh?" said the lawsuit over a period of time. To compensate, it did an impression of Isaac Asimov.
"Good impression," said the voice. "I'm a compliment."
"Go away," badgered Pet.
Then the mansion burst through the wall in multi-colours.
"Ouch," the wall wallowed.
Pet was glad to be back home even though he was wearing a lawsuit.
"I look good," said the lawsuit.
Wondering why all of the furniture had sullen expressions, Pet commandeered the kettle.
"Where are your legs?" asked the kettle and offered Pet a moment's hesitation.
"Thanks," said Pet and ate it. "My legs are none of your business, kettle."
"All right," the kettle accepted and teed off.
"Good shot," said a voice.
"I try to take them as quickly as possible," commented Pet. He was prodding a wall.
"Yes?" said the wall and blinked.
"What happened to the mansion?" Pet started to walk around in circular circles.
"The mansion found it-uh and is now in another world," said the wall proudly.
"What, religion?" baffled Pet and abruptly stepped on a sentence.
The wall pulled off an ominous look and whispered, "A needle in a haystack."
"Yes?" said a needle in a haystack.
"That's odd," annunciated Pet and announced, "I've never noticed that there haystack."
"Been there since the mansion left," explained the wall diagonally. "It knows a lot about entropy."
"Who doesn't, eh?" said the lawsuit over a period of time. To compensate, it did an impression of Isaac Asimov.
"Good impression," said the voice. "I'm a compliment."
"Go away," badgered Pet.
Then the mansion burst through the wall in multi-colours.
"Ouch," the wall wallowed.
~
Monday, 22 September 2008
Chapter Six: Revoluning
Pet awoke in a washing basin. Flabbergasted and admiring the tile work, he noticed that one of the taps was glaring at him.
"I can do this all day," bragged the tap.
Pet believed in monarchy, but this was going too far.
"You lookin' for trouble?" asked the other tap coincidentally.
Trouble climbed through the window. "I am here, finally!" he shouted and held up a photo frame triumphantly.
Discovering a channel, Pet climbed out of the washing basin.
"If you're not careful, you may slip on that there change," said the first tap politely.
"What change?" asked Pet desperately, and opened the medicine cupboard.
The change stared him in the face until it said, "Hello, I'm a revolution." It started to spin slightly on its metaphorical heels.
Looking, Trouble said, "Nice metaphorical heels."
"I'll thank you not to use such colloquialisms." shot the revolution.
In the meantime Pet constructed a small country.
"But can it talk?" spat the second tap, who was wearing an expensive bowler hat.
"No, but it can play the trombone better than any cartwheel ever made," said Pet knowingly and soaked in jam.
"Hey, that was my jam!" shrieked Trouble and pointed to his now-empty photo frame.
Pet pretended to hear him and said, "The apple falls approximately 1,168 meters from the tree."
"Well, that won't do," said the change and revoluned.
"I can do this all day," bragged the tap.
Pet believed in monarchy, but this was going too far.
"You lookin' for trouble?" asked the other tap coincidentally.
Trouble climbed through the window. "I am here, finally!" he shouted and held up a photo frame triumphantly.
Discovering a channel, Pet climbed out of the washing basin.
"If you're not careful, you may slip on that there change," said the first tap politely.
"What change?" asked Pet desperately, and opened the medicine cupboard.
The change stared him in the face until it said, "Hello, I'm a revolution." It started to spin slightly on its metaphorical heels.
Looking, Trouble said, "Nice metaphorical heels."
"I'll thank you not to use such colloquialisms." shot the revolution.
In the meantime Pet constructed a small country.
"But can it talk?" spat the second tap, who was wearing an expensive bowler hat.
"No, but it can play the trombone better than any cartwheel ever made," said Pet knowingly and soaked in jam.
"Hey, that was my jam!" shrieked Trouble and pointed to his now-empty photo frame.
Pet pretended to hear him and said, "The apple falls approximately 1,168 meters from the tree."
"Well, that won't do," said the change and revoluned.
~
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